The Conflict Resolution Playbook

Now more than ever, it is fundamentally important for CEOs and leaders to learn how to facilitate conflict resolution talks. This is no longer a core competency reserved just for hostage negotiators and executive coaches - you must learn how to do this, too.

There has been plenty of literature written about conflict resolution, so I’ve done my best to compile everything I’ve learned and found effective in this document below. A few of my favorites for further reading are:

• William Ury’s books on negotiation (Possible, Getting to Yes, and Getting Past No) - you can also find his BB3 negotiation framework for your own application here.
  
  
• Chris Voss’s landmark book Never Split the Difference, available here.
  
  
• Matt Mochary’s document on Conflict Resolution here is also effective - I have been on the receiving end of this method of Conflict Resolution myself, and the resolution was successful. This method draws from Stephen Covey and Michael Rosenberg’s works (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Nonviolent Communication, respectively).

With these resources in mind, here are the steps I like to encourage CEOs to do when they facilitate conflict resolutions between their teams.

Part One: Prep Work

Conflict Resolution Kit

First, download my Conflict Resolution kit here - it will give you all the information you need to facilitate this successfully.

Meeting with the teammates

Next, take 15-20 minutes to individually speak to both parties who are involved in the conflict. Why are they mad at each other? Get a clear understanding about what their core wounds are. Be sure to repeat back to them what you think they said, and exaggerate it.

This step is one of the most crucial steps, and too many leaders skimp on it. The purpose of you doing this meeting is not just to collect information - it is to show that you can be impartial and not take anyone’s side. This meeting is meant to prove you are trustworthy and not taking sides.

When I take these calls with leaders, they are initially skeptical. Am I a spy that the CEO has brought in to extract information, only to double-cross them later and make them regret being honest?

This is why the words I choose are so important. Usually, I will say something like:

Hi X, thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me today. As you know, it seems like there has been a riff between you and Y recently, and I’m here to see if I can try and help you both come out better on the other side.

I want to first start by sharing that everything we talk about today is off the record. This is a safe space to say anything that is on your mind: you can name-call, get pissed, accuse the other person of the worst things - let it all out. It all stays here, between us. I am mainly here to hear your side of the story, to better understand the situation

I will be doing this (or, I have already done this) with Y, and again, my job isn’t to take sides - it’s to paint a fuller picture. At the core of it, both of you are hurting. I want to help you both heal and move forward with a fresh, clean slate

Does that sound good? … great, and before we begin, I need to ask: Assuming Y is also in agreement, should we move forward with this conflict resolution, are you willing to let go of any grudges and approach this process with a state of curiosity, rather than fear or anger?

And they will say yes. If they don’t, I recommend stopping the facilitation process at this point. If one person actively wants the other person to hurt, they cannot exist in the same company, and that person who wants to inflict the other with pain should leave.

Hearing them out and practicing active listening will:

1. help this person see you are not a spy
2. help you collect the relevant context necessary to do your best work as a facilitator, and
3. during the process, as you make them feel heard and reflect back to them their raw emotions, they will likely catch themselves thinking, “Wow, I must be really angry. This might actually be exaggerated.” Thus, they become more open to listening to the other side.

Achieving buy-in and sending pre-work

Once you have conversations with both parties, it is at this point where you will communicate with the both of them together for the first time.

Assuming both parties have said yes, send something like this:

Then, send them the link to their pre-work documents. (Again, you can download your free kit here.)

You will first ask them to write out their pleasant emotions for each other, and then their unpleasant emotions after. They should list at least three pleasant emotions for each other, and then list as many unpleasant emotions as they have.

Use the following format for pleasant feelings:

• Behavior/habit: Share what behavior, habit, or trait you like about this person.
• Feeling: Share which positive emotion you feel when the other person does this.

And use the following format for unpleasant feelings:

• Story: Share what happened from your perspective here. Please say exactly what went through your mind.
  
  Use the phrase “The story I told myself is.” This is because your brain did tell you a story, and you heard this story from a lens of whatever you were feeling (anger, frustration, sadness, defensiveness.) It’s a story; nothing more.
  
  
• Feeling: Share what unpleasant emotion the story made you feel in that moment.
  
  
• Steelman: Once you imagine what happened, share what you think actually happened without your emotional bias. Remember, our fears tend to exaggerate others’ actions and add malicious intent behind any words or behaviors. Your job here is to remove the emotional bias.
  
  
• Request: Keeping in mind your steelman argument, you may now make a request/requests on what you wish would happen in the future.

Pre-work compilation

Once both teammates have sent in their pre-work, compile both of their pre-work documents into a centralized document that you will later share with each of them. Here is an example of what that looks like.

You will want to make sure they have written this for each other. Sometimes, teammates may choose to write in the third person. Edit anything they’ve sent so that it’s written for the other person, e.g.: instead of reading, “Mark sometimes cuts me off as I speak,” edit it to say, “You sometimes cut me off as I speak.”

Finally, make sure all unpleasant emotions are surfaced as stories. Sometimes, teammates will disclose things that irritate them during your initial meeting, but they fail to bring it up in their conflict resolution pre-work doc. If this happens, reach out and ask them, “Do you want to write about ____? I remember you bringing it up during our initial call, and this would be a fantastic opportunity to clear the air and discuss this in a psychologically safe environment.”

Your document is now prepared and ready for facilitation.

IRL facilitation versus virtual facilitation

If you are meeting with them IRL, please print these documents, and follow the page breaks (see here for the example of where the page breaks belong.) This is because you will ask them to read at a specific pacing - we don’t want them reading ahead to the unpleasant feelings, as that will breach trust. You should have them read the pleasant feelings only at first, and page breaks make this easy to follow.

If you are meeting digitally over Zoom or Google Meet, please follow the page breaks and give instructions very clearly during the facilitation. If you think either attendee may read ahead, please consider pasting in unpleasant emotions as you go, rather than sharing the whole document at the same time.

Part Two: The Facilitation

In conflict resolution, CEOs (or the person with more power) always go last in sharing their side. This is because on a company org chart, everyone usually reports to the CEO, so the CEO is perceived as having the most power. If the CEO goes first, it inherently puts the rest of the leadership team in a disadvantageous position, since he or she may feel like he or she is expected to say yes to all of the CEO’s requests, or otherwise be seen as a difficult teammate.

By having the CEO go last, this gives the CEO the opportunity to demonstrate the ability to receive feedback graciously, listen deeply to his or her leadership team, and restore any trust that has been fractured in the process. As everyone is sharing their pleasant and unpleasant emotions, the CEO’s job will be to make sure his or her teammates feel 100% heard and understood. Only once that’s true, will they then collaborate to find ways to address the concerns.

By doing it this way, the CEO will then be able to give their feedback in a way where the leadership team will be ready and willing to listen - trust is actively being restored.

Step-by-step instructions to facilitate

Part A: Create the set and setting.

1. Thank both of them for being present, and remind them the reason you’re here is because both sides have declared to each other they want to come together to resolve the issues together.
   
   
2. Explain the agenda. “We’ll start by having X go first in giving Y their feedback, and then switch after. This is because…” and give them the reasoning above.
   
   
3. Share the desired behavior during each portion of the agenda. If their job is being the feedback giver, their job is to stick to what they’ve written in the pre-work, shared in the doc. If their job is being the feedback receiver, their job is listening attentively so they can successfully help the giver feel heard. Please explain this using the steps outlined here - these are the best steps I’ve found anywhere on how to create real resonance between two seemingly opposed parties.
   

Here's your script to use:

During pleasant emotions:
‍“When your co-founder shares with you their pleasant emotions, please express your gratitude by saying thank you. Keep it genuine and sincere.”

During unpleasant emotions:
“When your co-founder shares with you their unpleasant emotions, try not to get triggered or react defensively. Should you feel defensive, see if you can respond with curiosity. Remember, the steelman is there for a reason: for you to realize the other side has tried putting themselves in your shoes, and they are not being hostile. Their honesty should be a breath of fresh air for you, because it means they believe you are worth hearing the honest take - even if they don’t stand to benefit from sharing their unfiltered views.
When making your co-founder feel heard, repeat back to them what you think they meant. Please exaggerate as much as you can.”

4. Ask if they have any questions. If not, then proceed with having the person with less power share first.
   ‍

Part B: First person shares, then the second goes.

1. Feedback giver shares the “pleasant emotions” first. During this time, the receiver listens attentively and makes eye contact with the giver. After each “feeling,” the receiver thanks the giver. This should take about 5 minutes to go through.
   
   
2. Next, everyone turns to the next page: unpleasant emotions. Everyone reads the page silently. Then, ask the receiver to pick ONE to unpack together - it should be the “spiciest” one. They will pick. It will take about 30-40 minutes to unpack a single spicy story.
   
   
3. You will remind the receiver to listen attentively with the sole purpose of making the giver feel heard. Make it explicit that they should NOT be coming up with retorts or comebacks. Remind them these are just stories, not objective truth.
   
   
4. Ask the giver to share the first two parts: story and feeling only. Lead them by prompting them with, “The story I told myself…” and, “That story made me feel…”
   
   
5. The receiver should then thank the giver for sharing, then follow the steps to make the giver feel heard.
   
   
6. Once the giver feels fully understood, then ask the giver to share the Steelman and the Request. Sharing these two together helps disarm the receiver, since the receiver can now see that the giver has put themselves in the receiver’s shoes and has met the unpleasant feeling with curiosity rather than hostility.
   
   
7. Finally, the receiver (again) makes the giver feel heard by repeating back the request in their own words, and then share whether they accept the feedback or not.
   
   
8. If they accept, they say what actions they’d like to take to rectify the situation. If not, the receiver shares why, and shares how they’d like to remedy the situation instead.
   
   
9. Repeat Steps 1 to 8, this time with the person with more power giving feedback to the person with less power. They’ll share pleasant emotions first (5 mins), then pick the spiciest unpleasant story to unpack together. Again, each spicy story will take about 30-40 mins to complete.
   
   

Part C: Wrapping up

1. By the end, both people should have had enough time to share all pleasant emotions and one spicy story each. If you have blocked off more than two hours, you can continue with unpacking stories following the steps outlined above.
   
   
2. At the end, tell them it is the end of the session. Have them handshake with you, and then handshake or hug each other. You will then assemble all Action items and send it to them to complete prior to the follow-up session.

Interlude: Reminders for you during facilitation

• Make sure the participants are speaking to each other, not to you unless you address them first. It helps to look at the other party and nod slightly in that direction when the speaking party looks at you, so you can gently nudge them to speak to their teammate.
  
  
• If either person gets triggered at any point during the facilitation, it is your responsibility to stop them from going any further. A sample script I like using:
  
  
  • “Mark, I sense that you’re feeling angry and frustrated right now. Is that right? (If yes): I don’t think it is safe for Lena to continue giving you feedback right now. Therefore, let’s take a five minute break to recalibrate.”
    
  • You then accompany Mark and make him feel very, very understood until his defenses come down. Go outside and get some air if possible. Definitely stand up. Lena would use this time to get some water and come back.
    
  • When everyone comes back, I would say, “Mark, are you ready to continue now? Can you please share with Lena where you were hurt and why, and then share how you calmed down? And Lena, can you make Mark feel understood?”
    
• As someone shares, jump in and ask questions, like…‍
  ‍
  • How did it feel to receive those positive feelings?
  • Did that recap make you feel heard and understood?
    

• Make sure you’re guiding the agenda and remind each person what their role is supposed to be here. Do so by announcing what is happening at each step, e.g.:
  
  
  • Alright, we’re now moving into the pleasant emotions phase. Lena, could you please share what you wrote to Mark here?
    
  • …and Mark, can you please thank Lena in whatever way you feel is sincere?
    
  • We will now move into the next section, where we will… Lena, as a reminder, your role is to do…and Mark, your role is to do…

• As they get off course, pull them back in the right direction by saying, “I’d like to keep us focused on ___ for now…we’re getting a little ahead of our skis right now. We’ll be discussing this part shortly. 🙂”
  
• People are severely under-practiced at making others feel heard. As the facilitator, you should encourage them to exaggerate and use big language.
  
  You may have to give them an example where you pretend to be them, and then you address the giver pretending to be the receiver. For example:
  
  
  • If the giver says, “Regina, I really dislike it when you cut me off as I’m talking”...
    
  • And the receiver says, “What I think I’m hearing you say is that you don’t like it when I interrupt you while you’re talking”...
    
  • Then the facilitator would say, “Receiver, I think you could make Giver feel even more heard by using your own name in the recap, and using swear words. Can I try? … Great. Giver - I think what I’m hearing is… Regina, you fucking bitch, you are so rude and self-absorbed! You never listen and just love hearing yourself talk. Can you let me finish my goddamn sentence??”
    
  • This gives the receiver an example to refer to when they’re practicing making someone feel heard.
    
• Push for action items once the feedback giver feels really understood, and the receiver has declared whether they will implement the feedback or not. Always ask the giver, “Giver, if Receiver agrees to take these action items, do you feel like your pain has been solved a little more?” The answer should be a resounding, “Yes, that would be awesome!” If not, there is more work to do.
  
  The only way there is forward progress is if you get each person to agree to take action items. The three bucket categories of action items are as follows:
  ‍
  
  • Recurring ones - e.g.: a meeting that occurs frequently to sort through disagreements, or a standing time that allows both people to discuss non-work things
    
    
  • One-off actions - e.g.: creating a document, having a one-off conversation
    
    
  • Habits - e.g.: remembering to do something, behave a certain way, or stop doing something
    
• Write out the action items. You should be the only one typing or writing during the session - the disagreeing parties should have their computers put away.
  
  
  • Take 10-15 mins after the session to clean up your notes before sending it to them. Advise them to copy and paste it into their own action trackers.
  • Neither person should be able to see your raw notes.
  • If you are doing this session in real life, don’t share the main document with them (they will have printed versions). Take notes on the main doc and clean them up later.
  • If you’re doing this online and must share the main document with them, take notes on your own private notepad so you can edit them later and send after the session.
    
• Location tips…
  ‍
  • Find a smaller, private room. Stay away from big meeting rooms, which create austere environments and make people feel stressed.
    
  • Place two chairs facing each other at 45º angle in a V shape, with you sitting opposite to them.
    
  • No tables are preferable, so both parties can simply look at each other and where their hands are visible. Visible hands help us feel psychologically less threatened - in general, everyone benefits from trying to keep their hands in view to create trust and safety with everyone present.
    
  • If you have the option to, choose a room in a more secluded part of the building. Leaders will want to resolve their problems without the rest of the team looking in. This will allow them to feel their emotions fully, without being worried about affecting overall morale.

Part Three: Post-facilitation

Now that the facilitation is over, here are your final steps.

Part A: Post-facilitation email

• You need time to follow up with both people and see how action items are coming along. I recommend choosing a 30-minute time block about 1-2 weeks after the resolution has occurred to do this.
  
  
• Send action items to both parties. Here is a sample of the script I use when communicating to teammates post-resolution:

‍

Part B: Follow-up Conversation, Pleasant

During the final follow up, check in with each teammate and see how action items have been going. Ask them to start with the pleasant, with the person of lesser power sharing first again:

• Script for you to try out: “Hi Lena and Mark, thanks for your time today. As you know, it’s been about 2 weeks since we got together, and I’d like to take this time now to see how your relationship is going overall, and how the changes you both have made are and aren’t impacting the quality. Could we please start with the pleasant feelings? And let’s have Lena start first - I’d like you to share what positive impacts you’ve felt either in yourself, or in your relationship overall.”
  
  

• As the person with less power shares, you can listen and nod attentively, and make them feel heard: “It sounds like… is that right?” Then, move into addressing the person with more power, and say: “How does it feel, Mark, hearing Lena say that?” Listen, nod, and make them feel heard.
  
  
• Complete this again, this time the other way: “And how about for you, Mark? What positive impacts have you felt in yourself and/or your overall relationship?”
  
  
• The desired end state is for both people to see how putting in effort and hard work has helped their relationship over the course of the last few weeks.

‍

Part C: Follow-up Conversation, Stoplights

Next, you'll move into Stoplight Strategy. This is where you will deploy the START - STOP - CONTINUE method.

In this method, each person says what they would like the other to start doing, what they’d like the other person to stop doing, and what actions/behaviors they’d like the other person to continue doing.

• The person will share one at a time, and then give the other person an opportunity to make them feel heard. (Person A shares their “start” and Person B makes them feel heard, then Person A shares their “stop” and Person B makes them feel heard; etc.)
  ‍
• Here is an example of what someone might say:

• Then repeat it the other way with the other person sharing and the first person making them feel heard.
  
  
• As they are sharing with each other, practice the same facilitation techniques - keep them on track, ask them for action items, and see if either of them are getting triggered at any point (see “Interlude” section above for a refresher.)

• In the end, both people should walk away with new action items to take, and a better relationship moving forward. Email them their action items, and thank them both for their willingness to work it out together.

‍

Final note: hiring master facilitators

You now know how to resolve conflicts like a professional facilitator. But what happens if you’re in over your head and don’t want to or feel scared of doing this yourself?

First, I’d say that is totally understandable. Then, I’d say this is the time you need to bring in a master facilitator.

You can find great facilitators in many places - for example, this is something I myself do for startups and companies. Facilitators who are trained are more likely to be impartial and bring the latest techniques to resolve your conflicts even better. And if they’re good at what they do, they’ll be trusted as someone who won’t unfairly take sides.

Most facilitators will charge anywhere from $5-10k for this sort of work. Like home improvements, there are some situations where DIY is acceptable. There are others where paying a fee is worth it in comparison to the catastrophe that occurs with poor facilitation and conflict resolution skills.

It is your job to know the difference.

You might need a master facilitator if…

• The teammates that are fighting are very senior, and their fighting may tank your company. This is a catastrophic-level decision.
  
  
• You are the CEO and you yourself are in conflict with your co-founders/other leadership team members. (You are in the position of the highest power, and almost no one internally can remain truly biased.)
  
  
• You are an investor, your portfolio company is about to fall apart because of this fight, and you aren’t impartial enough to facilitate a proper resolution.

‍

Make sure when you hire your facilitator, you ask them:

• What prior facilitation work experience they’ve had - if you’re dealing with high stakes, you want someone who’s done this before.
  
  
• How they typically practice deescalation techniques with their clients.
  
  
• What strategy/game plan they usually employ when facilitating conflict resolutions.

And notice:

• How attentively they listen to you
  
  
• How well they make you feel heard and understood
  
  
• How well you think they create a safe container for the physical and psychological safety of your team

And that’s it. Good luck on your your conflict resolution, and let me know how it goes.

👉 For the best experience, check out my free downloadable Conflict Resolution kit here. This is the kit I use for my own conflict resolution facilitations as an executive coach. 👈

Interested in working with me? Click here. And don't forget to subscribe to get more Tactical Resources, right in your inbox.