In my line of work, the most common question I get from executives is: “Regina, how do I build trust and a good relationship with my team?”
My answer is always: “What kind of trust do you want to build with your team?”
This question seems to confuse every exec. What do you mean, what kind of trust do I want to build? I just want them to look at me as a great leader. How hard is that? Are there multiple types of trust?
Of course there are. Trust could mean many different things, including:
- “I want my team to trust me as a leader who invests in them, even beyond this company and role.”
- “I want my team to trust that I care about them as human beings, even outside of work.”
- “I want my team to trust me to the point where they’d follow me wherever I go and whatever I do next.”
These are all different degrees of trust, and require different levels of effort and commitment. But every leader must determine what their level of Appropriate Trust is.
What is Appropriate Trust?
Early in my career as a founder, I thought being a good leader meant investing in the entirety of my employees’ lives. I was so allergic to treating leaders like cogs in a machine that I overcorrected and blurred the lines between personal and professional relationships. While it didn’t backfire outright, it often created unnecessary complications.
Later on as an executive coach, when I was sitting in coaching calls with CEOs of extremely successful unicorn companies, I noticed a clear pattern.
These CEOs cared deeply about their teams’ well-being because they understood happy, healthy teams perform better. Their teams felt supported, but the CEOs rarely got involved in their personal lives. They knew about their employees’ families and hobbies, but didn’t spend much time discussing them. How could it be, that CEOs barely spent any time talking to their employees about their personal lives, yet their teams still felt like their CEOs cared about them?
I realized these CEOs were practicing Appropriate Trust. They made it clear their role was to help their teams thrive at work, not solve their entire lives.
Appropriate Trust is the level of trust that aligns with your leadership goals, team dynamics, and the long-term relationships you want to cultivate. This is one of the key pillars in leading with integrity: you are honest with yourself on what you can actually give and what kind of relationship you actually want with your team.
The Problem with Overextending
Too often, leaders tell themselves this story: To be a great leader, I must invest in every aspect of my team’s lives.
This story is false. It does no one any favors. If anything, it erodes the level of trust you build with your team. Smart people can smell disingenuous behavior. Therefore, it's better to determine what your Appropriate Trust level is, and then decide the medium that is most conducive for that kind of trust-building.
Instead, define your level of Appropriate Trust and choose the most effective ways to build it.
There’s no “right” level of trust. Someone who doesn’t want to be best friends with colleagues isn’t a bad leader. And someone who builds deeper, friendlier relationships isn’t necessarily wrong.
The real question is: Are you honest about your capabilities? Do you understand the outcomes you’ll achieve based on what you invest?
Figuring Out Your Appropriate Trust
I once worked with a CTO who hated doing 1-on-1s. He cared about trust and rapport but preferred it to come from respect for his technical expertise, not his social skills.
He ensured his team felt personally supported by others—like the tech team or HR—who enjoyed those interactions. Meanwhile, he focused on technical decision-making and product direction to build trust.
His goal was for his team to say: “I trust C’s product sense and technical intuition. I trust that he cares about my work and wants to help.” His goal was not: “C is a great leader who deeply invests in my personal life. I see him as a close friend.”
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to identify your level of Appropriate Trust.
1. What do I want my team to say about me as a leader?
2. Realistically, what kind of relationship can I maintain given my bandwidth and skills?
3. How do I want these relationships to evolve in the future?
Answering these questions gives clarity on the rapport you want to establish. From there, you can take actions aligned with your goals.
No matter what, the most common places where you should be investing time in building trust are:
1. Communicating key information effectively and quickly.
2. Providing tight, constructive feedback on projects.
3. Being a reliable expert and clear communicator in your domain.
Every leader that's ever been admired through history has always been good at these three things. It doesn't matter if it's a startup or established company, government or private sector - these are non-negotiables. That's because each of these suggests the narrative, "This leader is an expert in their field, and they are extremely competent. They know their shit. They are someone whose judgment I trust. And I want to work closely with someone whose judgment I trust."
Everything else builds on top of these basics. If you want to invest in personal relationships, that’s great—provided your team consents. But being personable without mastering feedback, delegation, or communication is a losing trade-off.
The Biggest Trust Myth
The biggest myth in leadership is: “To be a good leader, you must invest in your employees’ personal lives.”
This broad-stroke statement is wrong.
Yes, if a team member shares personal struggles, it’s appropriate to thank them for their trust and offer tangible support, like lightening their workload or granting time off. But it’s not your job to solve their problems.
I like using a surgeon analogy when it comes to deciding how involved to be with your direct report's life, or how much of your own life you should disclose.
A surgeon’s responsibility is to improve the odds of survival, not get involved in their patient’s personal life. Similarly, a leader’s job is to hold space for personal issues in a compassionate yet professional way, not to fix them.
Claire Hughes Johnson, former COO at Stripe, had a phrase she liked using with her reports: Do you want me to hear you, help you, or handle it? This is a professional response, and conveys care, but doesn't get the leader emotionally over-involved. Another great question I like that I've already written about before is, "How can I best support you right now?" This one is a little more open-ended, so it's a matter of preference for which version you choose to use.
Getting overly involved in your team’s personal lives can make tough leadership decisions harder.
What happens when you need to fire a friend who’s underperforming? Or lay off people you’ve formed close bonds with? The shift from friend to boss can be agonizing and cloud your judgment.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly or discuss non-work topics. But it does mean you need to be intentional about maintaining healthy boundaries.
The Case for Appropriate Trust
Establishing clear trust levels creates healthier dynamics. Teammates will confide in their personal support systems for non-work issues rather than relying solely on you. They’ll look to you for support with the job at hand, not everything else.
Define your level of Appropriate Trust. Be honest about what you can commit to and where you may need to adjust. Then, I suggest making one small change. See how it impacts not only trust with your team, but also your bandwidth.
